Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
