Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
it glows. i had to have it.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Two words: blizzard sex
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
