New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
So squirting runs in the family.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
