he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize