So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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