I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
