I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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