Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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