I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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