Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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