Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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