Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
