She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize