dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
