happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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