So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Randomize
