she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
