Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
