i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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