We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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