I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
