party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
