"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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