youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
