I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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