The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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