I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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