With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
