Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
