i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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