rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
