at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
