he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
