Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
