in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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