I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
nutella sex= disaster
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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