from now on my penis is your penis
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
