This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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