wrigley field is MILF paradise
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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