My liver just broke up with me...
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
