words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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