im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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