The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
