I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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