Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
4 words: hood of his car
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
