Jerry, you need to find god
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
