She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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