She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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