cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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