9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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