I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
