dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
