I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
