I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
