Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
