Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
