How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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