OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
It's shark week go big or go home
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
