The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
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